Good Girl Conditioning Literally Almost Killed Me (Until I Learned This)

In this episode, I'm sharing something really personal from an experience during the fall of 2024 that I never want to relive but am so grateful happened. For the first time in my life I experienced debilitating joint pain that traveled through my entire body, had me sleeping 30-45 minutes a night for weeks. All while selling my home, moving, running my business, and raising two boys on my own. What came out of that season was one of the most important skills I believe every woman over 40 needs to develop — knowing how to advocate for your body, speak up when you're not getting the right support, and not let good girl conditioning keep you stuck and suffering.

I walk you through the full story from the dismissive providers, the moment I finally said enough, and the doctor who changed everything by actually listening. But I also connect this to something so many of you are navigating with your weight loss and body composition goals. If you're doing all the right things and still not seeing results, the answer isn't to eat less and push harder. So often there's something hormonal, thyroid-related, or metabolic at play that's been dismissed or overlooked and you deserve providers and support that actually gets to the root cause.

If you're listening to this thinking "I know something is off but I don't know where to turn"... that's exactly what my 1:1 Strategy Call is for. In 45 minutes we'll get clear on what's been holding you back, what your body actually needs right now, and map out a path forward specific to your life. 

Grab one of the limited 1:1 strategy call spots here!

HOW TO CONNECT WITH ME: Send me a DM on Instagram @thislifeuncluttered or on LinkedIn @laurenlynnmelton

I’d love to hear from you! 

Transcript

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Welcome to This Life Gets Good, the podcast where we talk about what it actually means to feel good in your body. Because around here, we don't just settle for healthy. We believe you're allowed to feel good everywhere you go, at work, at home, and yes, even whilst you're burning your kids to practice. I'm Lauren Melton, founder of This Life Uncluttered, mom of two, and living proof that life can get really good after 40. I help high-achieving women to lose weight, feel hot and healthy, and bring that confidence into every part of their life without doing more or burning out. In the fall of 2024, I went through a pretty weird and horrible situation. And honestly, it's one that I hope no one ever else has to navigate. For the first time in my life, I experienced debilitating joint pain. And it traveled through my body. It was so weird. Like it started in my knee. I remember hobbling into my son's like open house. I ran into his like basketball coach who was like, What's up? Are you okay? And I was like, honestly, I don't know. And he's like, Oh, I hope it's not contagious. Ha ha ha ha. Because I didn't want William to be out for the season. So it was that visible that something was up with me. And then it moved to my hips, moved to my shoulders, and it was even in my hand. Like my hand swelled up and it looked like a gorilla. It was really insane. And it was absolutely the worst at night. I mean, I was in agony. It kept me up all night. I wear an aura ring, so I literally knew like I was lucky to be sleeping 30 to 45 minutes every night because lying down, it honestly was when it was the worst. I felt like I was dying. The pain felt worse than both of my childbirth experiences. Meanwhile, I was also selling my home and moving into an apartment. I was going back and forth between the two places, working from an empty apartment that my cats were calling their home because we had to get them out of the house so that we had it staged for viewings. It was chaos. Oh, and I also was, you know, a single mom with two tween teen boys and a solo business owner. So yeah, I had a little bit on my plate at the time. And while I would never want to relive that experience, something pretty incredible came out of it. And I want to talk to you about it today because it's a skill I believe all women over 40 really need to develop to feel good in their bodies. So hopefully you never have to go through anything as traumatic as this. But realistically, you probably have in some other way. Or maybe you're going through something right now. So I want you to be armed with the tools to get on a path to get answers and support and not stay stuck suffering. The skill that I had to master to get through this season was knowing how to advocate for my body and speak up when I knew I wasn't getting the right support. Or truthfully, any support at all. Let me tell you a bit about what that looked like for me. When this all started, everyone and their mother was telling me that I was just stressed, right? They were like, it's the move, everything on your plate, and that's what was causing the joint pain. And yes, I am sure that stress was a piece of the equation here, right? My body was obviously more susceptible to whatever caused the joint pain to flare up so horribly. But there was no way that stress alone was solely responsible. And let me tell you, when you tell a stressed-out mom that stress is the issue, but offer no support for how to actually reduce those external stressors, it's only going to make her more pissed off. Like, yeah, I know I'm stressed. Are you gonna help me with that? Or are you just gonna tell me to stop being stressed? And listen, I was doing all the things to try to not be stressed or to try to support myself with the stress. I was paying out of pocket $250 per session for somatic therapy because it was out of network and totally worth it. I still support spending the money there. I was doing breath work. I was walking outside every day when my joint pain allowed it. I was working out until my joint pain became unbearable. But at some point, the bucket of stressors that you're carrying fills to the top and it starts to overflow. And at that point, it's almost like nothing you do is going to stop the flooding. And that's where I was when the joint pain flared so uncontrollably. And at this time, my primary care doctor had moved away like 90 minutes, and I hadn't really found a replacement yet. So I called her up and I begged the receptionist to get a message to her. Even though I knew that she wasn't taking on new patients at her new location. Thank goodness she agreed to see me. So I drove the 90 minutes. And when I saw her, she recommended I see both a rheumatologist and a nephrologist since some of my labs had shown some other things potentially impacting my kidneys and stuff. I'd known that had been going on for years, but she just wanted to rule that out too. Several visits later, the nephrologist ruled out anything kidney related, and the rheumatologist had absolutely no real answers. Just lots of testing, which honestly only happened after I begged for it. And they tested me for everything from Lyme disease to autoimmune diseases, and nothing showed up. All the tests looked relatively normal, except for having highly elevated thyroid antibodies, which obviously, given what my body was going through at the time, the rheumatologist really had no answers and said, Well, it's likely you're one of the 10% who test negative but have rheumatoid arthritis and recommended that I start a permanent lifelong medication to treat it, regardless of knowing if I really had it or not. Every visit with this rheumatologist, it felt cold and dismissive. And every time I went in to see her, I felt like she was questioning my pain level because I presented as a quote unquote healthy, fit person, right? I looked like a functioning 40-something when most of her other patients were older and appeared less well than I did. And this made me feel completely unseen and unimportant. And I was in a lot of pain. I mean, I was in horribly agonizing pain, but I did my best, right? I was toughing it out and I was doing that for weeks, trying to just get through with my life, because that's what I always did. And finally it all came to a head. It was right before Halloween. The pain was so excruciating that I generally thought I was dying. My primary care doctor told me to go to the emergency room immediately. At first, I was like, this is ridiculous. Like, this is absolutely ridiculous. I'm not going to the emergency room. Technically, I'm able to drive myself, but honestly, it was because I had no other option. I had to drive myself because I'm a single Bob. But I relented and I went. At the emergency room, they immediately gave me steroids and painkillers, something that had never been offered to me by any of the other providers since day one. And while I'm not someone to advocate for like taking steroids and painkillers willy-nilly, I clearly needed that intervention, right? I needed something to help reduce the inflammation and to support my pain at that time. I mean, my hand was still swollen like a gorilla. You could still see visually how bad it was. When I was at the ER, they called my rheumatologist, who then immediately called me and said, Why did you go to the ER? Oh my God. I was furious at that point. Like, I don't know, maybe because I felt like I was dying for weeks, you totally dismissed me and they actually gave me something for the pain that you never offered. Like you weren't even listening. I don't think you actually cared. I was so angry. The ER prescriptions, they helped a little bit, but honestly, I still couldn't sleep. I still couldn't lift my arms above my waist. Yes, I think I left that part out here earlier. I was trying to pack up my home, box everything up, and move, and I couldn't lift my arms overhead. I literally couldn't unclasp my own bra. It was bad, let me tell you. And it was at that point that I knew I had to find a new provider. And so I did. I advocated for myself. I started by asking my primary care provider for another referral to a different rheumatologist. Thankfully, she agreed. And I found a new doctor, someone who I am so forever grateful for to this day. This guy had no idea what he was in for when I walked into that office. Let me tell you. I was calm at first. I tried to be calm. I shared my story. And guess what? To my surprise, he actually listened. He didn't rush me. And when I finished, he said, I'm so sorry you've been experiencing so much pain. I'm pretty sure I know what caused this pain. And I know how we can treat it. What? You mean to tell me that this guy is telling me that he knows what probably caused it, how to treat it, and he also empathized with how I was feeling. Let me tell you, I felt immediate relief. And the tears just started flowing. And he didn't get awkward when I was sobbing in his office. Nope. Instead, he said, Wow, you've been through so much. And it makes complete sense that you feel this way. Hello, emotional intelligence. And an incredible bedside manner. This man knew exactly what I needed to hear. And he made me feel seen, noticed, and most importantly, supported. At this point in my joint pain journey, the pain was basically isolated to my shoulders at that point. And he was confident it was a viral infection that had caused the joint pain to flare. And he said it probably didn't show up in any of the testing because the testing they did on me was so delayed. And at that point, he thought it was kind of just stuck in the burst on my shoulders. A shot of methylprednisone, he suggested, would provide immediate relief. He asked how I felt about that. I said, Yeah, I feel really good about that. Let's do it. And he was right. I felt immediate pain reduction. It took a few weeks to get back to being fully functional with my range of motion. And I'll be honest, my strength felt pretty shot for like three months at least after that with strength training. But guess what? It came back. And it always does once you just get back to it. But I am so grateful I spoke up. I am so grateful I advocated for myself that I didn't just accept the first provider's recommendation to start a lifelong course of unnecessary medication for something that didn't even exist. I'm so grateful that I didn't let the fear of being annoying or being a bother to someone or being a nuisance for speaking up, that I didn't allow that fear getting in the way of the support that I needed and I deserved. But honestly, I'm not sure 20-something Lauren would have been able to do this. All of the good girl conditioning was still so deep back then that I probably would have needed explicit permission from someone else before I felt allowed to speak up. And I remember 30-something Lauren, who did a little bit better of a job at this, landing somewhere between like not at all and hell yes, when it came to self-advocacy. Back then it was a different kind of pain I was experiencing. I had some knee pain after the birth of my second son. And I had navigated a half a dozen providers from primary care to podiatrist to orthopedic knee surgeon to six months of twice-a week PT appointments, to finally an acupuncturist who looked at all of me and realized that the root cause of the issue was actually my hip and not my knee, where I was experiencing the pain and swelling. So I think it's taken me a while to get to where I am today. It took me recognizing that I deserved this. Because now, 40-something Lauren, I don't even second guess myself about it. If I feel like I'm not being heard or supported, I will switch providers. And it's not because I think I have the answers, it's because I feel like I deserve to have that right support and to ask for second opinions and advocate fully and without an apology. And you deserve the same because feeling good in your body is a non-negotiable. You don't need to wait for permission to get support that you deserve. That good girl conditioning telling you that you're being inconvenient to someone else. That's old programming that you need to let go of, just like I have, and so many other women that I've helped to do the same. But what does this look like? What does it look like when you actually get to that place of being able to advocate for yourself to get the right support? Here's a couple things to consider. I truly believe it starts with speaking up for what you deserve, even if it might rock the boat, even if it might upset someone else. It might be feeling the confidence to say to your doctor, I feel like my concerns are not being taken seriously. And I'd like to explore this further. Saying it confidently, saying it out loud in an appointment, this level of pain, it's not normal for me. And I need more than just being told to reduce my stress, right? If that's what you're being told or whatever you're being told. It could be changing providers when you feel dismissed or like a nuisance to not like just think you need to white knuckle through appointments with someone who makes you feel small or dramatic or like you're wasting their time. And now listen, I know healthcare providers, their job is not easy. And often they are working under very stressful conditions. Listen, I watch the pit. I know I know what's going on. So I'm not saying to be rude to anyone. I'm not saying to like think that you're better than them. Cause listen, they have a whole lot of knowledge that we do not have. But at the same time, our lived experience also matters. And feeling confident to say it in a caring, calm, thoughtful manner and speaking up for yourself is going to make a difference. So giving yourself full permission to say, this isn't the right fit, and go find someone who actually will listen to you, even if it means waiting a few extra weeks for an appointment with someone new. How do you do that? I find asking friends and family for recommendations on providers that they love and they feel generally supported by is a great place to start because word of mouth is everything in so many industries, right? I know it is in mine. I get so many referrals every month. And that's because my clients know they're getting amazing support. And so they want to tell their friends and family about it. So start with the people that you know. The best providers rarely are the ones with like flashy websites, right? Some of them don't even have it, right? Like my acupuncture is a perfect example of this. They have one, but like it's all word of mouth. Literally, their entire business is like word of mouth. So when patients are raving about someone else, that's how you know. Like, oh, okay, that's that's someone I should probably check out. Maybe even on like Facebook groups, right? Um, ask your community. Someone in your circle probably has a good place to start and they can tell you about it. Another thing I find helpful, actually track your symptoms, right? So that you're prepared with the data to back it up. This might mean actually writing down when you're in pain, when it started, how it feels, what makes it better, what makes it worse, what have you already tried, like actually tracking it. And I have my clients do this when they're experiencing symptoms too. Like if someone's suffering with like constipation or digestive stress, I will have them track it so we can kind of see what's going on there. And this may be the case too with things you're experiencing that you like, whatever it is in your body that you might want to be able to bring in when you walk in, you have that information. It's harder to dismiss that. You're gonna show up as an expert in your own body because you are. And we know that labs don't always tell the story of what's going on, but often having that can be super helpful. So requesting specific tests rather than waiting for them to be offered, I've had to do this. And listen, sometimes I am still told no, but other times they will do it once I ask. And if you've read about something or if your gut is telling you that something is off, right? Whether that be with your thyroid, autoimmune, hormonal, something there, you're allowed to ask, right? You're allowed to say, I'd like to rule this out. And a good provider will welcome that. If they make you feel stupid for asking, go find another one. And I want to take a second to connect this to something that I know so many of you are navigating when it comes to maybe weight loss goals that you have or body composition goals. Cause I see this all the time with the women I work with, especially women over 40, women who are doing all the right things, right? And still not seeing results. And instead of advocating for themselves and digging deeper, they internalize it. They assume they're the problem, right? This is when we see women who are like, okay, I guess I have to just keep eating less. I need to push harder, and then wondering what's wrong with them. But so often there's something going on, right? There might be something off in their body. Maybe their thyroid is testing as normal, but it's definitely not acting normal. Or metabolically, there's something at play with their digestion, something a provider either hasn't tested for or hasn't taken seriously, or has flat out dismissed because you present as healthy, and they're still so frustrated and they're stuck. Your body composition goals are not just about workouts and food. They are deeply connected to the rest of your body, your hormones, your inflammation levels, your sleep, your stress, and yes, your access to providers who actually listen to you. So if you've been spinning your wheels and not getting answers, I'm here to tell you that you deserve answers. And just like I had to fight to get to the root cause of my joint pain, instead of just masking the symptoms, you deserve the support system that helps you to get to the root cause of what's going on in your body, right? You need to have the, you deserve the answers, not just some generic plan and send you on your way. And here's the thing: knowing you deserve better support, it's just the starting point, right? Knowing how to actually get there in your body with what's going on with you and your health is where the real work begins. And if you're listening to this and you're thinking, like, I know something is off, like it's so hard to lose weight. It's so hard to feel good in my body right now. And you feel like no one is listening, you don't even know who to speak to about it. That's exactly what my one-on-one strategy calls are for. In 45 minutes in a focused session, we'll get clear on what's been holding you back, what your body actually needs right now, and map out a path forward that's specific for your life, not a generic plan for someone else, for you, and talk about what this looks like specifically for you. Maybe you could use support learning how to advocate for yourself and speak up in ways with your providers, or maybe it's at work, or maybe it's with your spouse. It looks so unique and different for each and every one of you. I know that. This is the conversation I wish I had access to back when I was suffering and spinning my wheels. And it's going to be so powerful. For example, on one recent call, a woman was explaining to me how she had put on 20 pounds over the last 16 to 18 months and really couldn't explain it. When we dove in and learned more about her lived experience during that time period, she went through a ridiculously stressful season. I mean, really stressful. And her body stopped responding like it had previously. And this is exactly what I know so many other women have experienced, and I experienced myself too. When we got to the root of it, I was able to identify an opportunity for her with her meals and her timing of her meals to help support her energy level throughout the day that I knew was going to get her body responding differently. And guess what? It has. She's already seen changes implementing it because that's the thing. Sometimes it doesn't take months and months and months to see your body start responding differently. Sometimes it can happen pretty quickly, particularly when it's related to like blood sugar type things. And she's already been able to see that improvement. She no longer has that afternoon energy crash like she was suffering from for the whole previous year. And she's feeling better and the scale's starting to move. If you're ready to stop waiting and start getting support, head to the show notes to book your call. I'd love to be the support that you deserve and get answers and relief. Thank you so much for listening to this episode of This Life Gets Good. I am truly grateful you chose to invest your time to listen. Your feedback matters here. And if you found this podcast to make a difference for you, please take a minute to share a review. Once a month, I'll select one lucky listener who shares a review to win a live 101 strategy call with me, where I'll personally coach you on your exact next steps to see weight loss results and finally feel hot again. And if this episode made you feel seen, share it with a friend who deserves to feel that way too.