This Life Gets Good is the podcast for women over 40 who want to feel good in their bodies. In this community, we don’t just settle for “healthy”, we allow ourselves to feel good everywhere we go, work, home, and even while chauffeuring our kids around after school.
I'm your host, Lauren Melton, founder of This Life Uncluttered, and a single mom who realized life can get SO good over 40. Now I help other women lose weight, feel hot & healthy, and build confidence in all parts of their lives.
From perimenopause to parenting, from dating to deadlines, we'll chat about all the things life throws at us with a little humor, honesty, and hard-earned lessons to help you build a body and a life that feel as good as they look. Because feeling good in your body makes everything else better.
Use Left/Right to seek, Home/End to jump to start or end. Hold shift to jump forward or backward.
0:00
|
16:49
Your kids have no problem being the inconvenience approximately 1,000x per day… You are allowed to be the inconvenience once in a while too!
This week I am diving into the flip side of a conversation I started back in episode 11 where I talked about how comfort keeps us stuck and how we have to allow ourselves some discomfort to actually change. This episode is about the other kind of inconvenience nobody talks about enough, the one where we sabotage our own weight loss and our own sense of feeling good because we do not want to be the inconvenience to the people we love. The workout we skip because dinner needs to happen. The meal we abandon because our husband sighs when we weigh the olive oil. The thing we know is good for us that we quietly stop doing because someone else was uncomfortable with it.
In this episode we cover why this happens in the first place, the socialization that runs deeper than most of us realize the good girl conditioning the mommy martyr patterns and the very real dynamic of being the family manager for so long that stepping back feels like abandoning your post. We talk about what to actually do about it with six specific and practical steps including how to have the conversation with your partner in advance, how to start with something small enough that the friction is minimal and why reframing what you are modeling for your kids might be the most powerful mindset shift in the whole episode.
Welcome to This Life Gets Good, the podcast where we talk about what it actually means to feel good in your body. Because around here, we don't just settle for healthy. We believe you're allowed to feel good everywhere you go, at work, at home, and yes, even whilst you're burning your kids to practice. I'm Lauren Melton, founder of This Life Uncluttered, mom of two, and living proof that life can get really good after 40. I help high-achieving women to lose weight, feel hot and healthy, and bring that confidence into every part of their life without doing more or burning out. It's funny how one topic can have so many different aspects. Like back in episode 11, I talked about how comfort can keep you stuck, keep you feeling crappy, and how you have to actually allow yourself to experience some discomfort and inconveniences to actually change your habits and to be able to do things like lose weight. On the other side of the inconvenience piece, and this is talked about a lot less, particularly for women, is that we often sabotage our own weight loss efforts or our sense of feeling good in our bodies, because we don't want to be the inconvenience. Like we spend so much of our lives trying to accommodate others and make sure others are okay, that when we start doing something good for us, something that's out of our regular routine or the norm, like working out regularly or editing how we eat, maybe not eating pasta for dinner as much, things like that, it feels so uncomfortable. We literally won't do the thing, or we'll have major resistance to doing it because it might inconvenience our partners, our husbands, our kids. We literally won't do the thing, or we'll have major resistance to doing it just because it might be a bit of an inconvenience to our partners and kids. But the funny thing about this, and this is where you might think I'm being a little mean at first, but I really want you to think about this. Our partners and our kids are probably an inconvenience to us like a thousand times a day, right? I don't mean to sound like I don't love my kids. I absolutely do, but I am constantly being inconvenienced by them when they leave their cleats at their dad's house and they tell me the minute we're leaving the door for practice, or when they don't want to eat the veggies that I cooked for dinner. They have no problem being an inconvenience to me. And I'm sure many of your husbands or partners are similar. Single mom over here, so I'm not navigating that territory, but I know it exists and I remember from when I had it. Like one of my clients sent me this note last week. This is literally what she wrote. She said, I've been a little crabby, but maybe that's just because I'm feeling grumpy, like I'm an inconvenience for my family, because I'm not eating what they're eating. And it doesn't bother me, but for some reason it bothers my husband. But we're working through it. That's literally what she wrote to me. And when we were diving into it, I asked her this one question how many times have your kids or your husband inconvenienced you? And her reply was that she laughed out loud. She literally was laughing, just thinking about like all the freaking time, like all the time they're inconveniencing her. And her kids, they're not even little, like they're in their late teens and early 20s. So I know this is something that you can all probably relate to. And I know this is something that we can all benefit from by embracing a little bit of our princess-y era, right? Thinking about our needs first. What would that feel like to think about our own needs before others and allowing ourselves to have that? And when I said this out loud or you hear it, you may be thinking, like, yeah, seriously, WTF, why am I so afraid to be the inconvenience for once? Why does that feel so hard? Why would I not do the things that make me feel good that I know are good for my body and my mind because my loved ones might not like it a little bit, because it might impact them in some small way, like making things be a bit more inconvenient. And listen, I know it's easier said than done for me to just be like, oh yeah, just go do it. Just go for the workout, eat the food, F them, right? What do they, who cares what they think? Like most things, it's somewhere in between that middle gray place where we find comfort doing the thing and caring a bit less about being a bit of an inconvenience to others. But why do we even feel this way? Let's start out first by talking about why we have this reaction in the first place. Because I always find it helpful to know that it's normal, right? To level set that feeling this way makes sense, why you might be resistant to it, to know that in advance to remove some of the shame or guilt that can come into play here. So, first off, we were socialized to put others first. This runs deep, a lot deeper than we realize. Women were raised to do this from a very young age. Socialized to be accommodating, agreeable, to pay attention to other people's needs and reactions, and to do this in a way that boys simply were not. We learned to be the good girl and the good daughter who didn't make things difficult. We were praised for getting along with others and keeping the peace. And now, as a mom or a wife or a partner, we're doing the same thing. It's now so deeply wired in us that it doesn't feel optional. So when we try and do something that prioritizes our needs, like the workout or a meal that's different from everyone else, it triggers us in a way. Like we've done something morally wrong. But we haven't done something morally wrong, but we still feel that. The second part of this is that somewhere along the way, a lot of us learned that loving our family and being a good mom equals sacrifice. The mommy murder behaviors come into play here, taking care of everyone else before ourselves, and unpacking that belief, it's really hard work and it takes time. So that's the second thing to recognize is going on here. And more logically and not so deep, we've been the family manager for so long that stepping back feels very uncomfortable. And I know many of you are carrying around a disproportionate amount of the mental load, the schedules, the appointments, the meals, the emotions of every person in the household. And when you've been managing all of that for years, stepping back from any of it, even if it's just for an hour a week, can feel like you're abandoning your post. But it's funny because often when we step back, things don't actually fall apart. Like they probably look different, right? They're doing things in a way that isn't how you would have managed it. And that's usually more about our own discomfort than our families when they take those things on. And sometimes it's simpler and more immediate than all of the above. We don't do the thing because we're afraid of how our partner or how our kids are gonna respond. Maybe it's a subtle sigh or comments when you say that you're going to the gym and you're leaving them. Maybe it's like a subtle sigh or comments when you say you're going to the gym and you're leaving your husband with dinner and the kids to deal with. Or the dynamic that taking care of yourself feels like it's gonna cost you something in terms of your relationship. And I know that some of you are in relationships where your needs are generally not welcomed. And the path of least resistance is to keep putting yourself last. And this is the side of coaching that goes a heck of a lot deeper than just macros and squats. Because I can tell you from personal experience that it's pretty life-changing to have a space and to have a container just for you to chat through these types of dynamics and complexities. So, what do you do? Like, let's talk about that because I don't want you being frustrated with knowing this is there, but not knowing what to do about it. The first thing I would start with is naming it out loud to yourself. The first step is simply recognizing when you're not doing the thing because you're afraid of being inconvenience. Just notice it and get curious. Like, hmm, I notice I haven't been tracking my dinner, but breakfast and lunch are no problem. It's just dinner that feels a lot harder to do. And I don't know, maybe it's because I noticed my husband is side-eyeing me when I'm weighing the olive oil. So I just stopped doing it. Notice it. That avoiding being the inconveniences at play and that you're really not being an inconvenience, or maybe you are being a bit of an inconvenience, but it actually doesn't matter. Say it out loud to yourself so you can notice it. The next thing, you probably have to have a conversation. And having the conversation in advance rather than in the moment is probably going to be more productive. Because most of the resistance from partners and family comes when the change is happening and it hasn't been announced, right? Like it's just happening in the moment, like, oh, hey, I'm going to the gym now, or oh yeah, I'm not having that for dinner tonight. In the moment, these changes can feel like rejection because they're happening without any type of warning or context. Having the conversation advanced can be super helpful. Simply saying, like, here's what I'm working on, and here's what this might look like for our routine. That is gonna give people in your life time to adjust their expectations rather than having to adjust in real time. This is not a guarantee, right? Their response still might not be what you want, but it's gonna remove some of those bigger triggers for pushback in the moment. Next, start with something small, something small enough that it's inconvenient, but it's more minimal. Like you don't have to overhaul your entire life and start taking up more space overnight. Start with something small, being a slight inconvenience. Like maybe it's like a 30-minute walk after dinner. Maybe it's choosing what you're gonna have for dinner once a week instead of defaulting to what everyone else is gonna have. Some small change that you start, it's going to create more norms that compound over time. You don't have to fight for the whole thing at once. Start with one and build from there. The next thing I find really helpful is reframing what you're doing and how you're modeling for your kids. This one is really impactful for moms. When you consistently put yourself last, when you make your needs invisible to accommodate everyone else, you're teaching your kids, especially your daughters, that this is totally normal, that mom's needs are less important than everyone else's. And you may have seen that modeled growing up, right? And so now you're modeling it as well. But when you reframe your mindset on this, and when you recognize that taking care of yourself and modeling that in front of them, you're teaching them something completely different. You're teaching them that boundaries are good, that taking care of your body is something you should be proud of, not worried about, changes everything. The next thing that can be helpful is a specific conversation with your partner or your husband. If partner resistance is the specific barrier, I want you to go back and check out episode 13. This is where I dive into this topic in more detail on how to have a productive conversation with your partner. And I know it's easier said than done. And I know it might sound silly coming from a single mom who doesn't have uh doesn't have a husband at the time. But I know this avoiding the conversation never really works. And when you can have that conversation in a productive manner, it can be super helpful. So go check out episode 13 if you want more support on that topic. But most importantly, you're just gonna have to get comfortable with the discomfort of being the inconvenience and recognize it's gonna get easier. The first time you say no, no, I cannot do that because I have a workout, it's gonna feel so uncomfortable. But the 10th time, it's now normal. And hopefully you don't even have to say it anymore. The discomfort of prioritizing yourself and a system built around you not doing so is not permanent. So you're in a process of changing that pattern. And that means friction. And it gets significantly easier the more you do it. Not just because other people adjust, although, yes, they're gonna adjust, but because you stop waiting for permission to take care of yourself. Like most importantly, you have to keep this in mind that your kids and likely your husband have no problem being the inconvenience all the time, right? And you are allowed to be a bit inconvenient too at times. I mean it. Seriously, you are allowed to think of your needs first sometimes. You're allowed to eat the thing that serves your body, even if your husband gives you a look about it. You're allowed to go to the gym, even if it means dinner won't be at the table at the exact time it used to be. You're allowed to take up space in a life that has been organized around everyone else's comfort for a really long time. It's long overdue. And I also know, because I see this every single day in my coaching work, that knowing this conceptually and actually doing it in real life with your relationship, your family dynamics are two completely different things. The knowing part, it's actually the easy part. I hate to say it, but it is. But navigating the husband who doesn't quite get it, or the guilt that shows up even when nobody says anything, the years of conditioning that make prioritizing yourself feel like a violation of something, that is the part that is really hard to do alone. And that's exactly where having someone in your corner changes everything. I work with women one-on-one to help them figure out not just what to eat and how to train, but also how to actually live this way in their real lives. We dive into the specific conversation to have with their husband or their kids, the systems that need to be put in place to make it doable. And then access to me after Tuesday night when your husband is sighing about dinner and you're trying to hold the line on something that matters to you. This is what one-on-one coaching looks like. Like I love working with clients one-on-one when I see them finally stop apologizing for using our container. When that happens, when they fully take advantage of it and don't apologize for it and they take up the space and they use the support I'm providing them, that totally lights me up. When I get a message from them with a menu and they want help picking out what to eat when they go out on the weekend so that they can enjoy themselves and feel on plan, I love that. Or when they send me a voice note on their drive home from work after having the worst workday ever, and we're chatting through how to navigate their totally toxic boss. I love that too. Because this work goes so much deeper than just the macros and squats. Although, yes, we do that here too. It gets to this level of specificity. Having me in their back pocket, having a container in a space that is truly for them, where they don't have to worry about being a bit of an inconvenience. They can take up all the space they want. And right now, I have a limited number of spots available. So if you're ready for the support to learn to be a bit of an inconvenience, I would love to work with you. And I want to make sure we're a good match to do that based on your specific background and your goals. So head to the show notes and apply today and tell me a little bit about your situation. What are you navigating? What does that look like? And I will personally reach out to connect with you because you do deserve to have your own hot mom era. You deserve that. And you deserve to have someone in your corner to support you while you build it. Thank you so much for listening to this episode of This Life Gets Good. I am truly grateful you chose to invest your time to listen. Your feedback matters here. And if you found this podcast to make a difference for you, please take a minute to share a review. Once a month, I'll select one lucky listener who shares a review to win a live 101 strategy call with me, where I'll personally coach you on your exact next steps to see weight loss results and finally feel hot again. And if this episode made you feel seen, share it with a friend who deserves to feel that way too.
.png)